Mentor, Mentee, or Both?
Mentoring creates an important relationship for both the the mentee and the mentor. How might you benefit?
O n a recent Sunday morning before my required morning coffee, I awoke to two texts informing me of the passing of one of my mentors. This mentor was the former president of an advertising agency in my hometown where I worked during my early career just after college. My first emotions were a mix of shock and sadness followed by regret. Regret manifested in a “shoulda, coulda, woulda” feeling that I had missed the opportunity to have one final chat with my mentor. Now it was too late. He was gone.
My anxiety and regret were fueled by the fact that I had just been back to my hometown a few weeks early on a consulting project. I could have carved out an hour to call or drop by his home but I forgot and ended up spending hours in my hotel room prepping for a meeting the next morning. Yes, my mentor was 88, but he always seemed so young and healthy. He had completed the New York City Marathon more than once in middle age and his energy was contagious during our recent phone calls. But, I should have reached out and touched base. To top it all off, I am not sure I ever looked him in the eye or told him over the phone that he was a true mentor to me…and thanked him for his support and wisdom.
On the flip side, another closely timed incident made me realize I was a mentor and I didn’t even know it. I received a LinkedIn notification that I was referenced in a post by a younger, former colleague. In her post, this former colleague announced she had made a career change and thanked all her mentors for the guidance and support they had provided during her career. She listed me and a few others. Frankly, I was both flattered and surprised. I never realized I was a mentor to this amazing young woman. Sure, I had shared some advice here and there and checked in occasionally. In fact, in a more recent exchange, she had provided sound guidance to my high school son on pursuing an internship — paying it forward I suppose. Upon reflection, I wish she would have told me I was her mentor. Or better yet, I wish I had realized I was mentoring her. Perhaps I would have been more focused and engaged in supporting her earlier and more frequently.
Ask yourself these questions:
Do you have a mentor? Are you being a good mentee — i.e. Does your mentor know she/he is mentoring you? Have you said thank you?
Are you a mentor? Are you fully engaging with your mentee? Consider this…thank her/him for allowing you to share your wisdom and share in their success.
As a soon-to-be doctorate student in the field of organizational development and change, the above incidents got me thinking about mentorship (and sponsorship to some degree). As fate would have it, one of my recent elective courses (in preparation for my doctorate) featured a text that covered the topic of mentorship. Thus, I was provided with models and frameworks by which to better understand how mentorship should really work.
Dr. Kathy Kram, an authority on mentoring and professor emeritus at Boston University, actually developed a four-phased model of the mentoring relationship. The phases are defined as initiation, cultivation, separation, and redefinition. This phased model confirmed to me that true mentoring is not a one-time thing but, when done right, covers a period of months or more likely years.
Two other key learnings for me:
1) A mentor relationship evolves over time and takes on different forms, and 2) the mentor can benefit as much or more as the mentee.
Frank Horton, former director of Training at STRIVE (Support and Training Results in Valuable Employment) in East Harlem in New York City, provides some great mentoring tips. First, he counsels one to get a mentor yourself. The best way to learn how to mentor is to be mentored. Second, understand that mentoring is a very important relationship, not just for the mentee but for the mentor. Horton’s advice resonates with me as I have been a mentor and a mentee. Both are very fulfilling experiences.
So, I encourage you to look around, and again, I ask you to ponder a few questions:
Do you have or have you had a mentor? I would encourage you to reach out, acknowledge their role, and thank them. Are you a mentor? Has your mentee reached out lately? Have you encouraged her/him to do so? What phase are you in of your mentoring relationship? Is it time to evolve it further? Above all, engage your mentor or mentee while you still can.
If like me, you missed your chance, write a note to their spouse, son, or daughter, or even author a note you will never send (to your mentor) expressing your gratitude and let them know that you, their mentee, is paying it forward as a mentor and carrying on their legacy.
References
Konopaske, R., Ivancevich, J.M., Matteson, M.T, (2018), Organizational Behavior & Management, 11th Edition, McGraw Hill Education
David R. Perry is Principal & Founder of Perry IQ, a marketing and strategy consultancy, and a former CMO in the healthcare and higher education sectors. He will be a member of the 2021 cohort in Bowling Green State University’s doctorate program in Organizational Development & Change.
